I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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