my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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