Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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