Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
