True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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