I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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