I met the friendliest cop last night
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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