We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
