Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
