just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
