i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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