I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
