All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
