My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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