Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
