if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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