OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
