I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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