How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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