Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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