I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
