Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
