life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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