I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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