now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
