textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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