get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
