ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
