I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
