he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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