My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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