Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
