I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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