also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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