Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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