If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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