i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
