I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
