And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You need a sexual gate keeper
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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