she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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