Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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