I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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