I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just want to make out with him forever
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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