I cut my penus on the lid.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
