one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
