her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
