I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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