I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
