Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
