He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
