Four minutes until I can fart!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
