On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
