Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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