Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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