I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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