I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
