Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
