I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
