my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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