Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
