So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
