well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
