I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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