Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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